Firstly, I have to self-shame. I admit this article comes from the Daily Fail, which is the one paper I detest above all others.

Still, it’s reporting a very fantastic tumblr site, where dog people post pictures of their dogs ‘confessing’ to sins.

Between them, Tilly and Heston cover most of the crimes confessed to.

My favourite is this one.

Okay. Now for my sinners.

If Tilly were a Catholic in confession, she would say:

  • I guard the oven, even when there’s nothing in it
  • I bit Heston when he tried to get my squeaky toy
  • I hog the bed
  • I use the litter tray as a buffet
  • I like to roll in bad smells
  • I think the garbage bag is just a giant doggie bag of treats for me
  • I only do what I’m told if there’s a treat involved
  • I turn the water on in the bidet for a drink and leave it running all night
  • I hide tomatoes in other people’s beds
  • I will eat anything that’s gone past the five second rule
  • I leave turds in the dining room if I’m left out at night
  • As soon as the lights go out, I ferret for food
  • I steal old yoghurt pots
  • I bark at all cyclists that pass the house
  • I trot on the pavement unless a car comes, then I like to be in the road
  • I chase chickens
  • My farts smell worse than anything on this planet
  • I like eating things that make me fart
  • I like to scoot to scratch my bum

And Heston?

I’m Heston.

  • I chew flip flops
  • I bring sticks into the house
  • I like to splash in my water bowl
  • I tip my water bowl upside down to play in the water
  • I fart nearly as bad as Tilly
  • I chase chickens. And cats.
  • I chew toilet paper and then leave little pink piles of toilet paper vomit everywhere
  • I ate a melon skin
  • I have eaten seven books
  • I have a fetish for used underwear
  • I leave other people’s underwear all around the house
  • I have killed my teddy
  • I like pulling the stuffing out of things
  • I’ve destroyed three pillows
  • I chew handbags
  • I did a wee under the bed
  • I chase the mop and the broom
  • I drink nettle tea and sick it up
  • I humped Tilly
  • I humped my sister
  • I leave big poos at other people’s houses

I think my dogs should be very ashamed. Tilly especially. She never looks like she’s done anything bad. Molly always knows when she’s been bad. When she ate a packet of biscuits that had been left on a table, she felt so bad I feel quite confident she didn’t enjoy those biscuits one bit. She used to bring pegs to bed, and shoes and trainers and socks, and make a nest. And she’s a bed hog.


2 thoughts on “Dogshaming…

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