J’en ai ras le bol #3

Subject of rant: Lloyds TSB collections department.

Before you read, I would like you to know I am up to date with all payments. Just to get that straight…

I’d rung up on Tuesday to report fraudulent use. Google checkout got on to it first, tagged it, sourced it and sorted it. Ijji followed suit. My bank? Couldn’t give a shit. When I phoned them, I was put forward to collections. At the time, I was too bothered by the fact my card had been compromised and then by the fact I needed a replacement, and then by the fact they were so… ‘meh’… about the whole fraud thing.

So… I’d gone in today to question a charge on my account. Basically, I had a charge, they took it out, then charged me again for making the charge. Easy to sort, and the branch are very good at sorting things. Loving the branch. Let’s make that clear. Lloyds TSB Bury and Daubhill, thumbs up.

Not so much the ‘invisible’ powers that be.

I’d gone in to Bury to sort it out. The (sorry, interrupted by a Brummie retard asking if I wanted my grass cutting. What? By a Black Country Smack Head? I think not! I wonder if he’s the one who stole my lawnmower in the first place??!) branch man was lovely, said he’d sort it out. Tried to sort it out. Then ‘referred to collections’ appeared and he was unable to do anything at all. He passed the phone over and called them for me.

1st grievance: entering my details THREE times and then telling them to the Indian Call Centre W-Irker (ICCWI from here on in) again.

ICCWI: Hello, collections. Can I possibly be helping you?

Me: Yes. I’ve been referred to collections and I don’t know why.

ICCWI: Why have you been referred to the collections department?

Me: I don’t know. That’s why I’m calling.

ICCWI: Have you got accounts we need to be collecting from?

Me: No. And why can’t you tell me why I’ve been referred to collections.

ICCWI: Do you know what account you have a collection from?

Me: NO!

ICCWI: Is it from your bank account?

Me: No. I have a good balance on that.

ICCWI: Can I have your card number please?

Me: No. It was used fraudulently and cancelled.

ICCWI: Is it on your credit card?

Me: I don’t have a credit card with you any more

ICCWI: The credit card starting 3770?

Me: I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH YOU ANY MORE

ICCWI: Is it the credit card starting 1224?

Me: I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH YOU ANY MORE!

ICCWI: I can see it’s not on your bank accounts.

Me: I KNOW!

ICCWI: I shall refer you to credit card collections.

Me: For F&*k’s sake! I don’t have a credit card with you

ICCWI: Please hold whilst I am passing you on to the credit card collections team

Me: I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH YOU! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH TO COLLECTIONS? I HAVE NOTHING TO COLLECT! I DON’T NEED TO GO TO CREDIT CARD COLLECTIONS!!!

Meanwhile, customers are starting to look at me as if I’m mental.

ICCWI: Please be holding for me whilst I put you through.

ICCWI2: Hello?

ICCWI2: How can I be helping you?

Me: Yes. I’ve been referred to collections and I don’t know why.

ICCWI2: Why have you been referred to the collections department?

Me: I don’t know. That’s why I’m calling.

ICCWI2: Have you got accounts we need to be collecting from?

Me: No. And why can’t you tell me why I’ve been referred to collections?

ICCWI2: Do you know what card you have a collection from?

Me: I don’t have a credit card with you any more

ICCWI2: The credit card starting 3770?

Me: I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH YOU ANY MORE

ICCWI2: Is it the credit card starting 1224?

Me: I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH YOU ANY MORE!

ICCWI2: It says you have a credit card.

Me: I DON’T!

ICCWI2: It says that you do.

Me: What is the balance on the card?

ICCWI2: Nothing. You have no balance. It says the card balance is Nil. It says the card has been cancelled.

Me *starting to wonder if Carol Anne Duffy’s narrator in stealing was talking to an ICCW when s/he said ‘you don’t understand a word I’m saying, do you?’*

Me: I know. So why have I been referred to collections?

ICCWI2: I don’t know. I shall make sure you aren’t referred to collections from now on.

Me: THANK YOU! HAS THE GOD OF LOGIC WALKED IN AND THUMPED YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS STICK OF LOGIC AND REASONING? HAS COMMON SENSE PREVAILED? HAVE YOU SUDDENLY GAINED A GRASP OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND REALISED ‘I DON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH YOU’ MEANS ‘I DON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH YOU?’… ARE MY NORTHERN VOWELS AND PRONUNCIATION TOO COMPLEX FOR YOU?

Be clear: I’m not blaming this poor guy and his script/his woefully out-of-date computer – I’m blaming Lloyds TSB for outsourcing their collections department here/providing adequate language training/providing adequate computer facilities/providing common sense. This is what Durkheim means by anomie: a workforce unrelated to its products.

ICCWI2: Your account is now fine.

Me: Thank you.

I then re-join the queue in the branch (as it’s not fair to push in, really, is it? Even though I’ve been on the phone for 15 minutes. I kid you not. 8 minutes waiting. 7 minutes talking to imbeciles.

Me: hello, I’ve sorted out my issues with collections. Could you now sort out this double charging for me?

The man messes with his computer for a bit and then says, ‘no… your account has been blocked by collections’

ALL I have to say to this is……

For F$^K’S SAKE!

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