ridiculous killer heels

I am a fan of the high heel. I have, until plantar fasciitis kicked in, not spent a moment out of them since I was about 22. I didn’t ‘do’ flats until my podiatrist made me, and then pain in my knees and legs made me even more. Now they’re reserved for ‘best’. I love my Russell and Bromley Mary Janes the most, followed by my Karen Millen Pink Snakeskin Cowboy boots. Time and age, running and too much walking have left me a virtual cripple, who does what Steve calls ‘granny walking’ when I’ve been sitting down too long. Now I’m relegated to my converse, my kangaroos, my trainers… even flip-flops are hugely uncomfortable. Woe is me.

But I still can’t help ponder the ridiculous nature of some of the heels that are on the streets these days. This morning at precisely 10:42 a.m. I saw a woman wearing ridiculous shoes hobbling along. She looked like a strange reject from the night before.

My problems with these shoes are myriad. They are hugely uncomfortable, so any woman that wears them are doing the equivalent of corseting themselves. They’ve crossed the ‘bondage/bedroom’ line out onto the streets, and whilst actual bondage bedroom shoes and boots can be very alluring, these are clumpy and hideous.

Barratt high heel clog

These are an example of clumpy-totter-ridiculous shoes. They make women’s feet look horrible. I can only imagine they are designed by a man who absolutely hates women. He wants them to suffer and to look like they are pissed. Not only do they make you look drunk, because you can’t control them, but you also walk at a funny angle, not all ‘hips pushed forward’ like a true stiletto would do, but like you’re on stilts. They’re clownish.

I also hate the nasty gladiator/fancy-dressed-up spike favoured by Posh Spice. In fact, if Posh has worn them, I detest them. She favours ridiculous bondage type shoes, and her bunions show the cost.

Aldo

They remind me of a woman I used to work with, in her middle ages, who wore the most hideous, clumsy, clunky unflattering shoes with a heel and peep-toe. Her toes were all crammed up like fat sausages. Urgh.

Miss KG

Urgh. Just Urgh. Even Cheryl Cole’s beautiful little feet couldn’t make this shoe look nice.

ASOS

The colour is ugly, the wedge is ugly, the clunkiness is ugly. Just urgh.

And finally…

ASOS

Maybe it’s a sign of my old age that I’m looking at the ASOS website and I can’t see a single pair of nice shoes? I’m six pages in and all I can think is ‘bleurgh’

Women’s heels? Wrinkly, unbuffed, unpedicured, scaly, covered in thick skin… Cover them up!

The shoes I’m talking about push your feet via gravity to the end of the shoe, where your toes, poor, little squashed up toes, are rammed to the very end as you hobble about. I think the whole idea of hobbling you means you are unable to walk, work, take part in life… you are ornamental. This is fine if the shoes are attractive – what my nana calls ‘sitting at a bar shoes’ – because you aren’t meant to walk. You need taxis, a man’s arm, a bar stool. You need help. It’s not fine if the shoes are pig ugly to boot.

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